[This is part 2 of a 3-part series about becoming a regular. If you’d like more in-depth analysis of the benefits of becoming a regular, check out part 1 here.]
Now that we’ve covered the benefits of being a regular, let’s go over some tactical, practical, and sometimes-unusual steps for how to actually make it happen:
1. Pick your venues
As I like to say, walk through the doors that open to you.
You don’t have to make a commitment to the first place you try. Like any relationship, you try different things out. See what works for you.
The easiest venues to start with are the spots:
You’ve been thinking about visiting for a while
Other people mention
Someone invites you to
That’s how I found my home yoga studio. I’d been doing home yoga classes for a few weeks. (It was literally called “Yoga for Inflexible People.”)
I was interested in doing a studio class, but scared to try it. Then my neighbor, who I barely knew at the time, invited me to his home studio.
I was terrified, and wanted every excuse to say no. But I said yes. And it changed my life for the better. Though I didn’t know it at the time.
I was indeed an inflexible person. But I liked the way the class made me feel. So I showed up the next day. And the next. And the next.
I learned the teachers’ styles.
Learned their names.
Said hello by name, even if I knew they wouldn’t remember me.
Started seeing the same students in some classes.
Made casual friends that eventually grew into deeper friendships, and even romantic relationships.
And the rest is history—within a few short months I was a regular.
My point:
Walk through the doors that open to you. I never would have picked that exact class at that time on that day if my neighbor hadn’t invited me.
Someone mentions an interesting restaurant, try it and see what happens.
You overhear a random conversation where someone mentions a bar? Go there.
Don’t overthink it at first. And don’t try to figure out if you’ll like a place before you go.
I’m super guilty of this:
I look at the menu
Try to figure out the parking situation
Parse Google reviews
To see if I like something before I experience it. It’s an anxiety response. Just go and find out. You’ll be surprised.
Oh gosh I can’t try that new restaurant—there are no pictures of their parking lot on Google!
Take it a step further, ask yourself what type of people you want to meet. What kind of men you want to attract.
You like movies? See if there’s a film society in your town.
Wanna try pottery? Find a studio with classes.
Don’t drink alcohol? Probably don’t go to bars.
Choose places that might have the type of people you’d like to meet. Then go and find out.
There are no bad outcomes here. I take that back: the only bad outcome is taking no action.
2. How to make the most of your first time
This is the point in the process that requires the most bravery.
So it’s best to make the stakes as low as possible. I’m the type who thinks, “Okay, if I wanna make this place my new regular spot—my home away from home—I have to make a good first impression, introduce myself, be charming, blah blah blah.”
The pressure I put on myself gets so high that I never go anywhere. For fear of fucking it all up.
But, in some ways, the whole point of being a regular is the number of visits takes the pressure off. You can get to know people—and they can know you—over time.
Two ideas to make your first visit low stakes:
Don’t worry about introducing yourself to anyone.
Enjoy your meal, your coffee, your class, and keep to yourself.
When the time comes, you may feel more comfortable talking to people. Naturally. But not yet. Don’t force those connections.
Use your motivational energy to force yourself to show up the first time. That’s it.
3. Keep showing up
In simple terms, the easiest way to become a regular somewhere is to just show up.
I go to my yoga studio at least 6 times a week. I go to my climbing gym at least 5 times a week.
But I’m a psycho. You can get most of the same benefits showing up 2-3 times per week, especially with a restaurant.
Again:
The repetition of continuously showing up is 90% of building connections.
Norm’s character—and the actor!—was 34 in this show. Guy on far right. Dead serious.
4. Add value
The annoying regulars are the ones who show up all the time and expect to get free shit, preferential treatement, and other stuff in return for their loyalty.
That’s not true loyalty—that’s low level manipulation. The type where people try to extract value from the venue.
You want to be the type of regular who adds value for the business.
Give them a review on Google
Attend their popup events
Shout them out on social media
They have Thursday night open mics? Friday night concerts? Sunday pop-up event?
If you love the venue, just show up. Even if you hate poetry, don’t like the music, and don’t care about the pop up.
Take a pic, post it online, and share your favorite spot with people. People notice that shit. And not just the management.
My home yoga studio does a January challenge every year: show up to 30 classes in January, and you get a free month of membership.
When I participated last year, I took a picture before every class, tagged the teacher and the studio, and posted it on my Instagram story.
This helped get the word out about the challenge. Also, the studio reshared my photos sometimes, which led to other students following my page.
One of them just so happened to be a cute girl. I followed her back and sent her a DM saying, “Thank you for the follow.”
As luck would have it, I went to the studio that night and she was there. I felt a jolt of nerves, wondering if I should say hello or if it was creepy. But I said fuck it. I looked at her and said, “Are you…?”
And before I could finish my sentence, she lit up and greeted me like an old friend. Said she meant to message me back.
We flowed together. Traded numbers after class. Went on a few dates. It didn’t go anywhere romantically, but now she’s a good friend, and we’ve had positive impacts on each other’s lives.
Why? Because I shouted out the studio on social media.
5. Take people there and make recommendations
Once you get more comfortable in multiple venues, something incredible can happen:
You invite your new friends from one venue to join you at your other venue.
Suddenly, without realizing it, you’ll cross-polinate friendships, they’ll become friends with each other, and you’ll become the center of this new community.
[This might feel a million miles away from your first visit to a new venue. There’s no need to put a deadline or pressure on these things. I’m just laying out the possibilities for you.]
For me, my two venues are the yoga studio and the rock climbing gym:
If I meet someone who doesn’t like yoga, I invite them to the rock climbing gym.
If I meet someone who doesn’t like rock climbing, I invite them to yoga.
If I meet someone who doesn’t like either, I probably don’t have much in common with them.
Moreover, once you get to know a venue, you can give people recommendations.
Once I got familiar with the yoga studio, I could recommend teachers for students based on what type of flow they liked.
At a restaurant, you can easily strike up a conversation with someone—”If you’ve never been here before, get the fish—it’s great.”
Then, if they get the fish and love it, you’re suddenly the coolest guy in the fuckin’ galaxy.
Keep Showing Up
When you commit to a place, it commits back. Strangers become friends. People remember you. And you build relationships you never would have had otherwise.
The shifts in your life might happen gradually.
You learn the bartender’s name.
The guy who spots you on bench press invites you to his softball league.
You set up a date with the guy you meet at the brewery where you cowork.
Eventually, you may be out one Friday night with a bunch of friends. You’ll remember the weekends you spent alone. And realize you now have a community of like-minded people around you.
All because you kept showing up.
[To read part 1 of the Regular series, click here. To read part 3, click here.]