[This is part 1 of a 3-part series on becoming a regular. Read part 2 here and part 3 here.]
Becoming a “regular” is one of the most powerful, yet underrated, ways to build your social life from scratch.
A coffee shop you go to every morning
A gym or yoga studio you go to after work
Your favorite restaurant you visit a few times a week
A brewery you cowork at during the day
You find 2-3 places like this, and you keep showing up, you’ll be shocked at your new social life––
All without having to do anything particularly brave or scary.
On the surface, becoming a regular seems obvious:
Pick a place you like
Show up a bunch
Profit
That’s the core of it, sure. But if it’s all that easy, you’d already be doing it, wouldn’t you?
I’m like the underpants gnome of becoming a regular.
If you’re like me, your starting point is spending every day alone in your apartment. Maybe your social life consists of your late-night schizo conversations with your pet. In that case, we have a few details to cover. Including some really surprising benefits of becoming a regular.
The kinda stuff nobody talks about…
Benefit #1: You learn that people love you just for existing
This is the most esoteric benefit. But it’s possibly the most important.
If you go to a bar one time, there’s a certain pressure to be “on.” Show your best face. Perform.
Go to the gym once, you need a great workout. One yoga class, have a fantastic flow.
But if you show up to the same place every day, you learn that you don’t have to be “on” to make an impact on people.
The repetition of continuously showing up is 90% of building connections.
Maybe you learned from a young age that you had to be something other than what you are to receive love.
Maybe a parent told you, “I love you so much when you’re happy/sweet/funny/etc.”
A sibling was a better athlete than you, so your parents continuously asked, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
You struggled in school, and your parents said, “How do you expect to get into a good college without good grades?” neglecting to question whether you wanted to go to college at all.
The message: “You must be the version of yourself I want in order for me to love you.”
We carry this into adulthood. At least I did. The effects became obvious when I started going to the same yoga studio every day.
See, it’s part of yoga culture to encourage people to bring whatever version of themselves they have to the mat that day.
You’re angry?
Don’t want to be there?
Don’t want to talk to anybody?
It’s all great in yoga! The only thing that matters is you’re here.
Showing up to your mat is the biggest victory, no matter what baggage you carry with you.
It’s a good lesson that applies to whatever space you want to make “regular”:
You don’t have to perform for love. Your presence and energy, whatever it is, will attract some people and repel others (if you’re being honest).
If you find the right places—with people you vibe with, food you like, classes you enjoy—your presence alone will be enough for love.
Benefit #2: You’re “top of mind”
This is an old-school marketing concept that’s useful here…
By showing up to a specific place a lot, you become prominent in the minds of people who work there, other regulars, etc. You’re “top of mind,” so to speak
If you’re always around, people eventually get curious about what you’re up to. Over time, through small talk, they’ll learn about you—your work, hobbies, dating.
Then, when they hear opportunities that might apply to you, they’ll recommend you:
Their friend mentions a new kickball team: “Actually, this regular at my work was looking to join a league.”
Someone mentions a job they’re trying to fill: “I’ll give your contact info to this guy who’d make a great candidate.”
Their friend mentions dating struggles: “I know someone you might be interested in.”
I saw the benefits of this most clearly a few months back. One of my favorite yoga teachers is a dear friend. I told her I have a thing for really tall women.
Then one of her regular students, who happens to be a tall woman, mentioned dating struggles. Immediately, because I was “top of mind”, my teacher friend set us up.
Do you see the meta lesson here?
Because I’m open about what I’m up to, what I like, and what I’m looking for, the people around me can advocate for me.
If people don’t know what you want, how can they help you find it?
Benefit #3: You (might) get discounts
This one isn’t so surprising. It’s the #1 benefit most people think of when they want to be a regular.
Yes, if you show up to the same restaurant, coffee shop, yoga studio you might get some discounts. Don’t expect it. It’s a cool bonus when it happens.
If they say, “This one’s on the house,” say thank you, tip handsomely, and move on.
Watch out: if your favorite bar is called The Gold Room and the bartender’s name is Lloyd, then you may have accidentally found yourself inside of a famous Stanley Kubrick movie!
I recently suspended my membership at my yoga studio since I’d be out of town for a while.
But I still wanted to hit a few classes before I skipped town. I made sure to only attend classes where I knew the teachers, and they all let me in for free, no questions asked.
This kind of thing is cool, but it comes with time. And it only comes after you’ve given them tons of value already. But remember: simply showing up a lot is providing value to the space.
Spaces are meaningless without people.
Benefit #4: It’s easier to talk to strangers
I used to be horrified talking to strangers.
But when you show up to the same places multiple times a week, it becomes a “third space” between your home and work.
That means, over time, you’ll feel comfortable there. Stepping into your favorite restaurant will feel like stepping into your own living room.
This creates a powerful psychological effect that I realized at a yoga class one day.
Because my “home” yoga studio feels so comfortable, I realized it wasn’t creepy to talk to people. It was actually rude not to introduce myself to my mat neighbors.
This mentality shift made it so much easier to chat with people.
And you don’t have to be intimately close with everyone in your spots. Maybe being a regular means it’s your place to be anonymous and people watch. Cool.
I know tons of people at my yoga studio, but my climbing gym is a bit different.
I don’t know the names of the front desk people.
I have 1 lifting partner
I know an acquaintance who works out at the same time as us.
That’s about it.
But the lack of intimacy is actually comforting. I get to have low-stakes small talk. It’s a place where my face is known. And that’s actually very powerful.
Benefit #5: It’s a built-in date spot
Places where you’re a regular are great places to bring dates.
The waiters know you.
The owner knows you.
The teachers know you.
All the sudden, you feel like the friggin’ godfather.
Me ordering a sandwich at a tiny deli.
You feel comfortable, popular, and can make confident recommendations for your date. Especially if you’re a dude, these factors are huge boosts for you.
Not only that, but as a regular you’ll meet people to take on these dates! Maybe the people who work there will do the work for you…
I remember I was in a yoga class with one of my favorite teachers. After the flow, she made an announcement plugging the studio’s teacher training, which I’d actually just completed.
She said, “And if anyone wants to learn more about the teacher training experience, you can talk to Greg—he just completed it.”
Immediately, the cute girl next to me started asking about it. Said she was interested in doing it herself.
We traded numbers, went out a few times (primarily at the yoga studio), but it didn’t go anywhere beyond that. She’s now a friendly acquaintance I see there sometimes.
Point is:
When you’re a regular, you become a “known entity”—you already have a leg up when you meet someone attractive there, and you have an even bigger leg up if you bring a date there.
You Deserve Connection
Becoming a regular isn’t just about free coffee or talking to strangers.
It's about finding a sense of belonging.
In a world where it’s easier to feel disconnected, having a community that knows you, trusts you, and cares for you is profoundly meaningful. The mundane chats with the barista who remembers your order, the friendly waves from familiar faces at the gym, the little moments of recognition—they nourish you.
For more specific, tactical tips for how to become a regular, check out part 2 of the series here.